t has a small forehead. he lives on east burnside with four roommates like gerbils in shreds of pink and white paper.
he has a toyota corolla. he drives it to another county not too far from where he works.
he has lean eyes. he paints them with a pencil eye liner.
he has big hands. my hands are childlike and useless. he
has a collection of fighting knifes. he practiced with them and he slid the knife from my throat to my penis. he said he would kill me one day. i felt at peace.
t worked at a mental institution. he held down the patient when he lost it.
tia chi helped t to deal with the stress and with close combat. the patients
bite. they have no impulse control. he never hurt one of the patients. he pitied them.
his father had been in and out of institutions. he was a rapist. he was a transient not to have to give his address to the authorities.
you should know how to defend yourself, t said. he pinned me down in a strangle hold and fucked me. i was helpless. he could have killed me. i felt grateful. he said that i
could look into his eyes after he humiliated me and that most others he humiliatedweren’t able to meet his eyes. i was happy to be with someone who wanted to dominate
me.
t reads dostoevsky for a continuing education class at psu.
he can concentrate on his studies. he brushes his teeth. they are white.
maybe i will get to know him. i’m ten years older. he is by far more
mature than myself. it would be convenient to feel his sobriety. he doesn’t
have a girlfriend. i stick my finger in his soggy ass.
i have t read his dostoevsky. i kiss his small ears. my mind is going to shit.
i see a neurologist. he tells me i’m going to get worse. i don’t care so long as i’m not bored. i can’t remember what thoughts belong to what book i have read. i hate t because he has a healthy mind.
he is going to finish his studies and leave me. he is going to look for work
in one of the big grimy cities where he will feel enthralled and ennobled by
barely earning a living to have a shitty small apartment and not have
to live in the cold. (it gets dank in the chasms of the big city.)
t ejaculates. he sends me on a liquor run. when t
drinks beer he bares his gums and teeth and looks like a chimpanzee.
i look like my mother i said. your mother is an ugly bitch, t said.
i cried. why are you mean, i said. you look ugly when you’re mean. when you’re nice you look handsome. you’re an ingrate, t said. you don’t understand
anything, i said. you take everything at face value.
i was bored. we went out looking to hurt someone if not ourselves.
we saw a lanky man with a beard. t grabbed his hand. he had a blue ring
tattooed on his finger. t grabbed him by the neck. he was mute and even.
leave him be, i said. please. you’re a bully.
what did you say, t said. you’re going to kill him, i said.
the bearded man broke free and scampered down the street.
he fucked my mother, t said.